The Olympic opening ceremony will be inspired by the British countryside.
Expect a burnt-out Ford Mondeo and at least one abandoned fridge.
Jill, London

Just got a call from the wife saying she’d broken the wing mirror.
I asked “How the fuck did you do that?”
“The car rolled on it.”
Pete, Fremantle

There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk.
Adam, Perth

My girlfriend just asked me, “When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?”
I said, “Fuck off, it would take fucking ages to get there on a camel.”
Michael, Brixton

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub.
Mary says, “I need a piss,” goes behind a bush and drops her knickers. Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary’s legs.
He jokes, “Have you changed your sex?” Mary says, “No I’ve changed my mind, I’m having a shit!”
Sarah, Dulwich

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well-paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Nicky, Windsor

Whenever you’re feeling powerless, just remember that just one of your turds can shut down a whole swimming pool.
Mark, Leeds

I’ve changed my password to ‘incorrect’ so that when I forget what it is, the computer will say “your password is incorrect.”
Nathalie, Melbourne

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