Halfway through my shift at Jessops, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife.
Naturally, I had a little peek as I handed them over. “Would you like the negatives?” I asked.
“Yes please,” he said sheepishly.
I said, “Your wife’s got saggy tits and a fat arse.”
Mikey, Windsor


My boss called me today and said, “Where the hell are you?”
I said, “I’m relaxing in the garden with my mate Dave. I’m already on my fourth can of lager.”
“I don’t fucking believe you!” he shouted.
“Hang on,” I said, holding the phone away from me. “Dave, isn’t this my fourth can?”
Tim, Fremantle

The 21st century.
When deleting history is more important than making it.
Sarah, Brixton

Old Macdonald spelled ‘redirection’ without any consonants.
Carrie, St Kilda

I walked into the DIY shop. “Excuse me,” I asked, “have you got any 6 inch screws?”
“Only what we’ve got on the shelf,” replied the cashier, pointing.
I don’t know why he’s selling these, I thought to myself as I unscrewed them and the shelf fell down.
Adam, London

My girlfriend was screaming at me.
“Leave!! Get out this house!” she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”
So I turned around and replied, “Wait, so you want me to stay?”
Jim, Melbourne

As I lay there dying in the gutter, I couldn’t help but think to myself…
This bowling party has gotten out of hand.
Alex, Greenwich