What does a Drug addict with no money and Fernando Torres have in common?
They just can’t score. – Dave, Balmoral.
Apparently Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm.
In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop. – Will, Canberra.
My wife asked me if would wear a gimp mask during sex as she finds it a real turn on.
I was totally shocked. I had no idea she fancied Nick Clegg. – John, Dullwich.
A genie granted me a wish earlier. I knew about the ’12-inch pianist’ joke and didn’t want to make the
same mistake, so I asked for a 12-inch cock instead.
Now I’m saddled looking after Tom Cruise. – Pete, Darlinghurst.
Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five
minutes” are exactly the same? – Julie, Perth.
David De Gea couldn’t keep a clean sheet if he had a nun in his bed. – Julian, Surry Hills.
What’s the difference between a banker and a pigeon? A pigeon can still leave a deposit on a brand
new Porsche. – Mike, Manchester.
Alex Ferguson had a 80s party for his players. Giggs arrived in a Cavalier, Scholes in a Sierra
and Rooney decided to come in an Escort. – Lucy, Paddington.
Remember kids, a dog is not just for Christmas.
There should be leftovers for Boxing Day as well. – Malcolm, Darlinghurst.
I almost went to jail today. I was shitting myself.
God, these monopoly games get really intense! – Teresa, St Kilda.
How things can suddenly change. One day I was making soup with my boyfriend, and the next I was
being accused of cannibalism and charged with murder. – Jo, Wollongong.
I got called into the bosses office on the first day of my new job.
“I think you may have misled us about your qualifications,” he said.
“What do you mean,” I asked.
“Well, you’re the only Gynaecologist I’ve seen who thinks it’s acceptable to use his tongue in a
routine examination.” – Seb, Manly.