Cutting up onions brings a tear to my eye.

He was always a good dog.


I love Countdown, it’s such a mental challenge…

Trying to crack one off to Rachel Riley before the 30 seconds is up isn’t easy when you’re under pressure.


“Dad, how do you feel about abortions?”

“Well, why don’t you ask your sister?”

“But I don’t have a …”


Daily Mail: ‘Kate Middleton: I want to start a family – See page 3.’

If only this was a different paper.


‘Tampax Pearl: Outsmart mother nature’

Being born with a cock seems to have done the trick for me.


So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister.

Or has it?


“Give us an E, mate.”

“I’m an undercover police officer.”

Give me an N
Give me a G
Give me an L
Give me an A
Give me an N
Give me a D
Goooooo England!”

Got away with that one!


Henry the Hoover: Putting a smile into backstreet abortions since 1980.


I’ve just been given two weeks to live.

The wife’s gone away for a fortnight.


A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, “Sorry sir, I can’t serve you, you’re off your face!”


The marriage counsellor asked me what was my wife’s biggest failing.

“She finds it difficult to open up” I said.

“Can you give me a specific example?”

“Usually her legs.”


Q. What’s pink, wrinkly, and hangs out your trousers?

A. Your Nan


What’s the difference between like, love and showing off ?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling.


Whats red and runs up yer leg?

A homesick period!