I Don’t tell sexist jokes at parties any more. They’re too complicated for women.
I went for a self-defense class last night. The instructor said, “I want you to take me by surprise and attack me.”
When I saw him at Woolworths the next day I threw a tin of beans at his head.
My brother was diagnosed as mute today. He kept that one at his quiet.
Todd, Papua New Guinea
My wife took as restraining order out on me claiming I was mentally unstable. I was horrified and wrote her a sternly worded letter protesting my innocence.
Unfortunately I couldn’t find a pen so I wrote it on the wall in my own shit and semen.
Timothy, St Kitts
If my balls come out on the lottery tonight, my career as a TV presenter will be in ruins.
The word “fucked” is pronounced differently in Essex. Fact.
Frank, The medieval Period
My wife told me she’s getting fed up of my boring facts.
“Who gives a flying fuck?” she said angrily.
“Dragonflies,” I replied.
I told my new flatmate today that she reminded me of a toe.
“Becasue I’m small and cute?” she said.
“No.” I replied. “Because I’ll probably end up banging you on the coffee table when I’m drunk.”
Jimmy, Double Bay
My wife said: “I’m bored, can we try a new position?”.
“No,” I replied. “You’re staying in the passenger seat where you belong.”
Jack, The Titanic
I had relative success with my dating agency in Norwich.