I was at a restaurant with my vegetarian girlfriend yesterday.
As I was about to tuck into my steak, she asked: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?”
I wish we could go just one day without her mentioning the fact that I killed her mum.
Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?
Max Factor should make condoms.
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.
Mental note: Actual notes work better.
I went out and bought FIFA the other day.
It’s great being president of Qatar.
Top three reasons to stand up:
1) To get the remote
2) To go to the bathroom
3) Because you’re the real Slim Shady.
I was trying to pull a girl so I asked her ‘What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of “pensi”?’
When I got her back to my bedroom I revealed the answer was my spine.
I’m red all over. From my head tomatoes.
The US X Factor sacked Cheryl Cole because audiences couldn’t understand her.
How come when I sacked Mohammed for the same reason, I ended up in front of a tribunal for unfair dismissal on grounds of racism?
My mum won the Irish Lottery.
Now she owes them six million quid.
I think my wife has gone mental. I asked her what she was reading, but she just ignored me and said, “Hello Magazine.”