My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people’s ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject’s memory.
Why didn’t I think of that?
MY doctor just told me that although most people only use 10% of their brains, I only use 9%.
I wonder what the other half is for?
Women are like fine wines.
You can get them cheaper if you go abroad.
I used to be an apprentice to a plumber from Chernobyl.
He took me under his wing.
Apparently Imogen Thomas is struggling to launch her pop career. She’s been unable to announce any Giggs.
This new “Planking” craze has really taken off.The pensioner next door has been lying face down in the middle of his patio for three days solid now.
I got kicked out of the library today.
Apparently I wasn’t allowed to move Kate McCann’s book into the murder mystery section.
I met a girl in a nightclub and told her “I’m going to fuck you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine.”
She said: “Wow, let’s go. It’s hard to find a man with such good stamina.”
She didn’t seem as impressed when we got to the caravan.
Muslim women have a new social networking site.
Footballer Michael Owen has named a new fragrance after himself. It’s called ‘My Cologne’.
I heard that Stephen Hawking is totally against racism and sexism.
Makes sense. No one is more PC than him.