At school I was taught that I shouldn’t label people as disabled.
It was offensive, and a huge waste of stickers.
John, Wollongong

That’s the third time I’ve had my application for the Special Olympics declined.
Apparently there’s no such thing as a giant dwarf.
Jack, Chicago

Epileptic Santa.
“He seizures when you’re sleeping.”
Peter, Yorkshire

My mate said, “Fucking hell, I was so drunk last night”.
I said, “Not as drunk as me.”
He said, “Course I was, did you see that girl I went home with? She was a right minger.”
I said, “That’s nothing. Did you see the girl I went home with?”
He said, “Didn’t your wife pick you up?”
I said, “Yep.”
Dexy, Surry Hills

Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘Yes, what kind of font is this?’
Timothy, Perth
Gran’s always up for a laugh, so for a bit of a practical joke, I put her walking stick out of her reach.
I can’t believe she fell for it.
Ted, Leeds

I discovered that my son has become sexually active today.
Not something I expected to find out from the vet.
Rick, Darwin

My mate wished me a Merry Christmas today. A bit early but he does suffer from premature congratulation.
Jimbo, Townsville

There was an earthquake near the Galaxy chocolate factory this morning.
It sent ripples through the whole building.
Sam, Derby

My son wants a gold fish for Christmas. He must think I’m made of money.
Roger, Randwick

I just tried to change my Facebook password to ‘14 days’ but it said it was ‘Too weak’.
Tim, Manchester