PEOPLE say to me: “Steve, why are you such a master of disguise?”
And I say: “My name’s Alan.”
“Alan”, No fixed abode

I WENT round my mate’s house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.
He looked at me and said: “Don’t ever have kids mate.”
I said: “Hard work?”
He said: “No, you’re an ugly bastard.”
Jack, Newcastle

MY brother just updated his Facebook status to: “I love my girlfriend <3”.
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
Keith, Wagga Wagga

GOING around a council estate on a weekday morning dressed in a suit pretending to be a bailiff is a great way to get free blow jobs.
Frank, Derby

MY THREE unwritten rules :
1.
2.
3.
Roger, Bondi

MY WIFE had sex with a troupe of mime artists.
They performed unspeakable acts on her.
John, Randwick

A SHOP assistant dared to ask me why I needed twenty pots of Tippex this morning. Big mistake.
Mikey, Newcastle

I ACCIDENTALLY shrunk my “I’m a c$nt” T-shirt. I suppose I’ll just have to walk around with a cigarette balanced on my ear now.
Jose, China Town

I TOOK my wife to Specsavers this morning. Even they couldn’t see why I fucking married her.
Sven, Goteburg

I SENT the new lad at work down the shop for twenty Benson & Hedges.
He said: “What if they ain’t got Bensons?”
I replied: “Get me anything.”
The twat came back with a sausage roll.