dog-bumI was recently on Safari in the Serengeti and saw two male lions shagging each other.
I thought: “Have they got no pride?”
Col. Harry Flashman, Mumbai

My wife said she’s leaving me because I don’t understand her.
I’m just glad we’re all right.
Charles, N’Eddy

I lost 9 stone over the summer, now I only weigh 12.
My friend asked me what my secret was.
I told him I once wanked into my sister’s knicker draw.
Nothing to do with the weight loss but he asked so I told him.
Zod, Krypton

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’.
You probably saw our posters.
Sherlock Holmes, Baker Street

What’s yellow and stinks of piss?
The ‘To Let’ sign outside my dyslexic mate’s house.
Timothy Dalton, Randwick

If it ain’t broke, it’s probably Susan Boyle’s hymen.
Roger Moore, Coogee

IF the “Discovery channel” wants to live up to its name it should be on a different channel every day.
Pierce Brosnan, Bondi

You’d think if you pulled a snail’s shell off, it would be able to move faster.
I tried it, but it just seems to make them more sluggish.
Sean Connery, American tax haven

I was in church on Sunday morning when the vicar turned to me and said: “Love your neighbour.”
I said: “Me too – cracking pair of tits.”
Rumpleteezer, Broadway

A seagull shat on me the other day. I bought more BP shares.
Your move, seagull.
Valjean, Revolutionary France

My wife has just left me for Arnold Schwarzenegger.
She’ll be back.
The Dark Lord, Mordor

Large medieval wooden handcuffs for sale. Comes with headrest. Only while stocks last.
Tim, Brisbane