TamponA man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back!
So she throws a tampon in his face and says “There you go you miserable sod I’ll pay you back monthly!” And the moral of this story is: Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there’s always a fucking string attached. Josh, Greenwich

A man goes to bed & reaches over to his wife. He starts sliding his hand slowly across her back, shoulders, then down her side just glancing at her breasts then carries on down her side and legs. He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down her inner thigh. He moves back towards the top and stops. His wife opens her eyes and gasps “Why did you stop?” He says “Found the remote – Back to sleep fatty!” Paul, St Kilda

My girlfriend’s getting angry because I won’t stop my flamingo impression.
So I’ve had to put my foot down. Graham, Surry Hills

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’ Dr Love, Manly

What did the yellow tooth say to the white tooth?
“Is it cos I is plaque?” Kev, Paddington

My wife says I’m giving her a complex about her flat chest.
She wants me to stop wearing 3D glasses when I’m shagging her. Shane, Kings Cross

They should have known Hitler was trouble when his response to ‘Ideal Occupation?’ on his school careers advice form was ‘Poland’. Jenny, Woolamooloo

I can safely say that I have never in my life come into contact with another man’s erect penis…
Touch wood. James, Chelsea

Was interviewing a drop dead gorgeous 25-year-old Brunette for a lowly paid clerical job. She was ambitious and asked me what position I saw her in after her probation…Missionary was not my best answer. Joe, Brisbaine

I feel sorry for most people living below the poverty line.
Speaking with a Scouse accent. Rod, Adelaide

And now for a couple of stories…

Ed came home drunk, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife
and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates,
where St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ed.”
Ed was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to
live for. Send me back!” St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only
one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.”
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm
near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with
feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.
“So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ed the hen, “but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve
never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ed.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He
soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of
his head, and heard… “Ed, wake up! You shit the bed!” Big John, Kings Court Massage

Woman goes to her doctor and says, “Every time my husband
comes home drunk after drinking beer he beats me to a pulp.”
The Doc says, “I have a real good remedy for that. The next
time your husband comes home drunk on beer, take a glass
of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don’t swallow.
Keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed.”
Two weeks later the woman goes back to the doctor. She’s fresh
and reborn and says, “Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time
my husband came home drunk on beer, I swished with sweet tea.
I swished and swished, and he didn’t touch me!” The Doctor said,
“You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?” Big John, Kings Court Massage

Vodka over ice can give you kidney failure.
Rum over ice can give you liver failure.
Whiskey over ice can give you heart problems.
And gin over ice gives you brain problems.
Obviously, ice is really bad for you. Big John, Kings Court Massage

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