Crystal BallsCancer

That webcam you hid in the girls toilets gets discovered this month. What happens next is not pretty. Let’s just say you’ll have a stiletto scar in a sensitive area for the rest of your life. Was it worth it to get the footage of Jane in accounts wiping her anus with an old newspaper? Only time will tell.

Taurus

Denver, the last dinosaur! He’s my friend and a whole lot more!

Leo

You and a group of friends are sucked into the ‘Realm of Dungeons & Dragons’ after taking a ride on an amusement park roller coaster. Upon arriving in the realm, you meet a dwarf with a weird comb-over who gives you each a magical item to defend yourselves with. Unfortunately, he’s run out of stuff by the time he gets to you and you have to make do with a “magical” eight-pack of sausages that have been reduced at Coles by 20 per cent. Good luck with the five-headed dragon.

Capricorn

You do a massive poo. It feels great. Life truly doesn’t get much better.

Aries

Hallelujah sister! This month you discover the love of our lord Jesus Christ and become a born-again Christian. It’s a shame, really, as you were far more interesting when you used to be a weed-addicted transvestite who got kicks by sleeping with strangers in club toilets and vomiting on police cars. Call us when you get bored of bothering people outside train stations by shoving pamphlets about the resurrection into their hands.

Libra

One day this month, you’ll wake up the way you do every morning – by taking a ten-gallon hat off your face. Then you’ll put on your best shootin’ gear, don your spurs, climb onto a horse and trot gently into work, dipping your oversized hat at passing ladies with a polite “howd’y ma’am”. At work, you’ll bore co-workers with tales of grizzlies, rattlers and “injuns”. When you get home, your friends are all waiting for you. They’re concerned. They think you’re turning into a cowboy and have arranged an intervention. You should listen to them before it’s too late. The next phase is installing saloon doors in every room and getting a young Cherokee girl pregnant.

Sagittarius

You invent a new dance craze “The spasming man”. Well done. Actually, it’s not so much a dance craze, as viral YouTube footage that your mates took of you at a club. You’re officially a global laughing stock. Say goodbye to sex for the next three months.

Virgo

Legally, I’m bound by horologist law (written by the great holy one Russell Grant, blessed be his name) not to say anything when I read someone’s future and see their impending death. All I’ll say is, don’t make any plans beyond the 15th. And you might wanna look into getting life insurance.

Pisces

After a heavy night on the sauce, you wake up next to a naked Ronan Keating. He’s dead. You have no recollection of what happened but there are a few clues, notably an eight-inch vibrator rammed up his arse and the tell-tale signs of jizz in your hair. We’d tell you what happened but it runs into next month. Pick up April’s BBM to find out.

Gemini

It’s no surprise Gemini is the sign of the twins as you’re carrying the weight of two men at the minute. You fat bastard. The sight of you waddling into my crystal ball every month puts me off my tea. Lose some weight porky.

Scorpio

Sorry Scorpio, my crystal ball doesn’t pick up your signal. It’s just a load of fuzz. At one stage I thought I saw a man sucking a cock but I think I was just picking up the gay porn channel by accident. Sorry love.

Aquarius

I really can’t be doing with you and your boring bullshit this month Aquarius. Seriously, if you tell anyone else that story about the mole falling off your lower lip again, I’ll shove this bloody crystal ball up your arse. Take a leaf out of ‘old’ Aries’s book and live an interesting life. Don’t do the religion thing though. That’s just weird.

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