Ask CrystalDear Crystal,

I’m trying to make a suit out of human skin but I’m having real trouble trying to get the shoulders right. I’ve killed and skinned four prostitutes in the last month, but every time I try and flay the shoulder area, it tears up the skin and the whole thing is ruined. It’s enough to make me want to mutiliate my own genitals with a razor blade while crying and yelling “why daddy? Why?!” I’ve even tried curing the skin in formaldehyde but it didn’t work. Please help!

Yours,

Terence the Reincarnator

Dear Terence,
Two words: chicken fillets. I’m assuming you’re using the patchwork method to create the suit. If so, the next time you kill a whore, simply cut out a larger flap of skin for the shoulder area than you would normally, wrap it up around a chicken fillet, and place in the fridge overnight. The next morning, you’ll find the epidermis much more flexible and less likely to tear when cutting. Happy tailoring!

Dear Crystal,

I’m really having trouble getting a boyfriend and I don’t know what to do. I came to Australia a year ago with my friend and, while she goes through fellas like there’s no tomorrow, I struggle to even get noticed. The thing is, and I don’t want to sound mean, she’s not really that attractive. She’s quite a big girl, constantly wears low cut tops down the pub and farts like a sailor. I look after my body much more, dress appropriately and would die of embarrassment if a guy heard me farting – yet she’s the one who gets the attention. She’s great fun to be around, but I just don’t get where I’m going wrong. What should I do?

Yours,

Rachel

Dear Rachel,
Two words: chicken fillets. If this friend of yours is fat, she’ll have one redeeming feature that shallow blokes love – big tits. And if she’s flaunting them too, she could fart the tune to Waltzing Matilda and men would still want to shag her. Simply pop a couple of fillets down your bra and, trust me, you’ll be fighting the men off with a shitty stick. Plus you’ve got something for dinner later on.

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