Dear Crystal,
I WONDER if you can help. The other day this lovely curvaceous girl caught my eye on the street. I can’t stop thinking about her and the unspeakable acts I want her to perform on me.
Nothing unusual about this for me – except that the girl was a midget.
The fantasy is invading my every waking thought. Help me conquer my hobbit horn. Please Crystal, you’re my only hope.

“Gorgeous” Phil,  Noosa

Dear Phil,
MY, my “Gorgeous” Phil you have developed quite a dangerous and potentially destructive dwarf fetish.
What about just making do with a short girl? I fear that the deep rooted psychological cause of your dwarf-lust is that you are insecure about the size of your own appendage.
But don’t be fooled into thinking that just because she’s a dwarf she’ll think your love muscle is all the more impressive.
Haven’t you seen midget porn? Some of those tiny folk are hung like thoroughbred stallions.
I think you should forget your dwarf day-dreaming before you end up feeling inadequate again.

Dear Crystal,

I AM finding myself increasingly attracted to the owner of the company I work for.
It is the largest producer of whiteboard markers in Australia and I am scared that I’m only attracted to his power.
The other problem is that, at the age of 21, most of my friends think I should not be pursuing an 82-year-old man with consistent and often obvious incontinence problems.
Should I listen to them or follow my heart?

Cathy, Gold Coast

Dear Cathy,
FIRST things first: does he have any heart problems?
If so, then snap this hunk up  as soon as possible. You can get over most of his problems through the use of pads that are available at most chemists.
Also, practical jokes like creeping up behind him, slipping something in his tea or vigorous neck massages will liven up any relationship.
The sex may be a problem, but I received an e-mail offering me ‘Viagra for only $10’ the other day. I’m sure it is totally legit.