Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says “Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I’ve got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money.” She stands up and says, “What makes you think I charge by the inch.”
I was doing the conundrum on Countdown and the letters were K, K, N, O, U, S, C, W, F
When asked if I knew what it was I thought “Fuck knows….”
My six-year-old son caught me masturbating this morning.
He said, “What are you doing daddy?”
“It’s called wanking,” I replied. “You’ll be doing this soon.”
“Why, daddy?” he asked.
“Because my arm is fucking killing me.”
When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.
Q: What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
“What do you like more,” my wife asked, “Christmas or sex?”
“Christmas, of course!” I replied.
“Why is that?” she asked.
“Because that happens more often!” I said.
Q: Why are women so good in hockey?
A: Because it looks so much like vacuuming!
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
A stunning blonde, in breath taking extremely tight jeans is walking down the street.
A guy, looking at her with his tongue on his shoes, asks her: ‘I’m very sorry, but I just need to know… How does one ever get in those pants?
‘Well’, she said, ‘you could start with offering me a drink…’