A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time… John, Fitzroy

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin, three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!! Sarah, Surry Hills

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. Phil, Darlinghurst

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown. Josh, Manly

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. Dan, Paddington

Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.” “Sod that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?” Fred, St Kilda

Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!” Frank, Kings Cross

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she
was poor – she only had £1.20 in her purse. Myles, Richmond

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…then I was petrified. Paul, Chelsea

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair. Alex, Bondi

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
re-incarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening. Barry, Woolongong

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Bill, Newtown

The wife was counting all the 1p’s and 2p’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.” Harriet, Newcastle

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloomin thing. Dave, Paddington

Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six
people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern. George, Bondi

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! Hayley, Fitzroy

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked.” Christian, St Kilda

Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. Nick, Fremantle

Wife asked me for the TV remote, so I threw her a vibrator instead. She asked “What’s that for?” I said “I’m watchin the football, go fuck yourself!” Rob, Kings Cross

I asked my wife for a little oral relief last night. She said “You want me to suck you off?” I said “No just shut the fuck up for five minutes.” Ash, Balmoral

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…a friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman’s husband. Mike, Manly

My girlfriend answered my booty call last night. Fuck knows what she was doing with her sister’s phone. Ben, Surry Hills

Sex can be really tiring. Especially after you chase the girl down the alley for an hour. Zach, Bondi

I always go for a run after sex. Can’t risk getting caught. Jo, Perth