Crystal is always here (except when she’s being a cougar about town, showing the young women of today how to grind up against the guys) to help answer your problems. Our agony aunt-come-psychic knows best when it comes to problems involving women, work, and shitty shoes…

Dear Crystal,
I’m in love with a girl at work but she’s made it clear she’s not interested. The problem is, I still can’t get her out of my head. I spend all day staring at her at work, and when I get home I go on Facebook to look at photos of her. I’ve even rung her house a couple of times while masturbating and breathing heavily. I know it’s not right, but what can I do? Please help.
Yours John

Dear John,
Stop stalking this woman on Facebook. It’s wrong, it’s pointless and your time could be much better spent hiding in a bush outside her bedroom window. What I’d advise is working out what time she has a shower and then phoning her just as she gets under the water. Chances are she’ll have to run past a window naked to answer your call. Make sure you have a camera handy to snap her when she does – that way you can go home at the end of the day and masturbate over that too.

Dear Crystal,
One of my flatmates did a shit in my trainers, but none of them will own up to it. Every time I bring it up they just start giggling, which makes me even more angry, and makes them laugh even more. I’ve even heard them call me shitty shoes a few times when they think I’m not listening. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this sort of treatment but it’s making my life a misery. What should I do Crystal? I’m at my wits end.
Yours, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Sometimes you’ve just got to fight fire with fire. And if watching The Usual Suspects has taught me anything (other than Keyser Soze is a brand of crockery) it’s that winning the war is all about being willing to go one step further than the other guy. Start by pooing in their breakfast bowls. Then start pooing in their underwear draws. If one of them tells you enough is enough and threatens you to stop – which they will – just start laughing and go to your room. Then, later that night when everyone’s asleep, put on a ski mask, poo into your hand, burst into your flatmate’s room and wipe your faeces all over his face while screaming: “Is this what you wanted?! Is this what you wanted?!” and laughing manically. I did exactly the same thing when I moved in with Delta Goodrem and we’re still good friends to this day.