Another new Illness to watch out for…. Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
“What’s the matter?” he asks.
“I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice.
“What the hell is anal glaucoma?”
“I can’t see my ass coming into work today.” Tom, Richmond
Whenever I drink lager, I beat the wife. It’s an excellent demonstration of Coors and effect. John, Kings Cross
What goes ‘BANG!’ followed by complete stillness?
The deaf men’s 100 metre final. Peter, Melbourne
I was relaxing on the beach today when a fat bird came over and said, “Would you rub this lotion into my back please?”
“I’m afraid I’m only here for the day,” I replied. Tia, Fitzroy
As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we’d like to do to each other.
She said, “I’ve always wanted to be handcuffed.”
So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase. Jen, Paddington
A Professor was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”
She replied, “Probably getting pissed with his mates.” Rob, Perth
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this…’Looking for man with these qualifications; won’t beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.’??She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”
So the lady says, “What makes you think you are great in bed?” ??Bob replies, “I rang the door bell didn’t I?” Leanne, Sydney
Two five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, “Your thing doesn’t have any skin on it!”.
“I’ve been circumcised.”, the other replied.
“What’s that mean?”??”It means they cut the skin off the end.”??”How old were you when it was cut off?”??”My mom said I was two days old.”??”Did it hurt?”, the kid asked inquiringly.??”You bet it hurt, I didn’t walk for a year!” Graham, Adelaide
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.?? And then I saw her face. Bob, Kingston
When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.?? After a while, my mum said, “Just use a fucking spoon, Mike. You’re not a Jedi.” Helen, Broadwater
I’m always frank with my sexual partners.? Don’t want them knowing my real name, do I? Jim, Perth
Three guys went to a ski lodge, the rooms are full, so they have to share a room with one bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this very wild dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and said “That’s unbelievable, I had the same dream too!”. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!” Sam, South Melbourne
I asked a fortuneteller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased the bitch down and beat her to death.?I wonder what the hell she saw in that thing. Jake, Fitzroy
I got an e-mail saying ‘At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!’??I thought, “That’s just spam.” Nick, Surrey Hills
I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”??He said, “You have a wee cough?”??I said, “Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!” Tristan, Paddington
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?” Pippa, Darlinghurst
“That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. “How do you know?” the friend asked. “She didn’t come home last night, and when I asked her where she’d been, she said she’d spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”
“So?” the friend replied. “So, she’s a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!” James, Newtown
A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?” “Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?” Rhianne, Bondi Junction
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon. “As soon as I get home, I’m gonna rip the wife’s knickers off!” said the first bloke. “What’s the rush?” his mate asked. “The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me,” the bloke replied. Joe, Fremantle
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!”, he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.?”What took you so long to answer?”?”I was in bed.”?”What were you doing in bed this late?”?”Getting a second opinion.” Vicky, Sydney
A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect it said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a Wy on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy to and the waiter said no mine says Welcome to Jamaica man have a nice day! Loren, Yallingup
Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,?”Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!”?”Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”?”Whatever. Just so you’re out of the house by noon!” Rose, Adelaide
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