British Balls JokesMy mate’s shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how do you tell them apart? He said easy, Sally’s got massive tits and Derek’s got a moustache… Stan, Darlinghurst

Just been done by the police.
According to the law, wrapping your cock in The Beano and wanking doesn’t count as Comic Relief. Roger, Surry Hills

I’ve just lost the money for my wife’s epilepsy prescription in the bookies. She’ll have a fucking fit when she finds out. Steve, Paddington

After having sex with a rough council estate girl there’s nothing worse than looking down and seeing a split and leaking condom hanging off your cock- especially when you weren’t wearing one to begin with! Hayley, St Kilda

A man tells his doctor, “I’m afraid to get married as I think my cock’s too small.” The doc says, “Get a job on a dairy farm. Every day, dip your cock in the cow’s milk and get the calf to suck the milk off. This will naturally stretch it.” Two months later, the man returns. “Did you get married?” asks the doc. “Did I fuck! I bought the calf!” Claus, Fremantle

I’ve just started dating a policewoman.
She only shaves her fanny once a week.
My pet name for her is cunt-stubble! Francine, Kings Cross

Police raided Kermit’s lily pad last night and found hundreds of naked pictures of Miss Piggy.
They said it was the worst case of frog’s porn they’d ever seen! Avery, Woolloomooloo

Some longer ones…

The Door Greeter:
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced bitch walks into a store with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, “Good morning and welcome – nice children you’ve got there – are they twins?” The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl, “Of course they bloody aren’t! The oldest, he’s nine and the younger one, she’s seven. Why the hell would you think they’re twins?… Do you really think they look alike, ya dickead?” “Absolutely not,” replies the greeter, “I just can’t believe anyone would fuck you twice!” Big John, Kings Court Massage

“When I was growing up, I was always told that life is my oyster. I was told that no one would give me anything and that if I wanted something so badly, I had to grab it, with no second thoughts and to Hell with the consequences. So I set myself up to live a life with no limits, because I was number one and I would be at the top!
And that your honour, is why I stand here accused of rape.” Geoff, Manly

My neighbour took me on my first fishing trip yesterday, we got all the tackle set up on the riverbank and he said,
“Can you open me a can of worms?”
I said “Well, I see the milkman go into your house most mornings just after you go to work.”
Turns out he was talking about bait or something. Henry, Wynyard.

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