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The Best Offensive Jokes this August

Everyone loves an offensive joke or two to regale down the pub, so here’s our round up of the best offensive jokes from around the internet this month.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the Blue Wkds went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
A teacher in class notices a little puddle below Suzie’s chair.
“Ah, Suzie, why didn’t you put your hand up?”
“I did, Miss, but it just ran through me fecking fingers.”
The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: ‘Hello mate, how are you doing?’ Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn’t want to be rude, so I replied ‘Not too bad thanks.’ After a short pause, I heard the voice again ‘So, what are you up to?’
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, ‘Just having a quick shit… How about yourself?’
The next thing I heard him say was “sorry mate, I’ll have to call you back. I’ve got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.’
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me…
“Oi, what’s your disability?”
I said, “Tourettes! now f*ck off you prick!”
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been!” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

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