Jokes, jokes, jokes! Apologies if the title was slightly misleading as none of these jokes are about or to do with June. There’s only so many jokes you can make about a month…actually, scrap that; we can’t think of a single one. Basically, here are some of the best jokes sent into us by you guys that just so happens to coincide with the month of June. Plus, we’re a sucker for alliteration. Enjoy!
I went to see a house earlier with period features. My wife hates it when I call her that… Paul, Richmond
Wayne Rooney’s newborn son Klay was named in honour of his father.
Thick and difficult to work with. Nick, Darlinghurst
Australians don’t have sex.
Australians mate. Charlie, Coogee
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes.
I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was. Richard, Kings Cross
Just heard the news about Alex Ferguson retiring. It’s so refreshing to see a story of a man in his seventies, in the news, that doesn’t involve child abuse. Phil, Newcastle
1. Now on sale at IKEA – beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.
2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race-related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night – to be fair, the audience did try to warn him. Josh, Brunswick
Police have revised down the death toll in the Oklahoma tornado after realising that locals who were reporting their brother, dad, uncle and grandfather as missing were actually just reporting the same person. Eric, Surry Hills
My date started choking last night so I quickly pulled my cock out.
“How’s that going to help?” asked the waiter. Merv, Mornington
My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.
“Eleven,” I replied.
“Wow! You must be a player,” she laughed.
“No,” I said, “I’m their coach.” Pete, Fitzroy
This morning, my wife said, “I find these Post-It note jokes of yours about my weight problem really distasteful.”
“You’re not supposed to eat them, love,” I replied. Frank, Newtown
I found a video on my wife’s phone of me shagging her.
I don’t remember filming this but it must have been on holiday, I’ve got a great tan and my cock looks massive. Ben, St Kilda
Jimmy puts his hand up. “Miss,” he says, “Would you do anal?”
“I beg your pardon?” says his teacher
“I mean, would you take it up the arse, Miss?”
His teacher explodes, “You just stay behind after school and see me, young man!”
“Good,” beams Jimmy, “I was hoping you would.” James, Noosa
No wonder crime is on the up.
I’ve just seen a police officer giving a lap dance in a strip club. George, Manly
Angelina Jolie said, “I lost my mum to cancer, my kids won’t.”
That’s because ‘your’ kids lost their mums to you. Duncan, Wollongong
In case any of you were wondering, the male ‘G-spot’ is located in the back of a woman’s throat. Nat, Paddington
With all these celebrities getting arrested for child molestation, it almost makes me wonder if Gary Glitter did have a gang. Tim, Surry Hills