I am unashamed of the fact that I hire my employees depending on their race.
We’re in a fast-moving business, so first round the car park gets the job. Charlie, Paddington
I see PJ Harvey won the Mercury Music prize, well done i say, managing a successful music career despite being blinded as a teenager in a paintball incident. Whatever happened to his mate Duncan though? Barry, Rohampton
How do gingers make friends?
No seriously, I’m getting lonely. Tom, Bow
I hate this time of year where I have to take the kids back to school,
but in all fairness it has been six weeks and I bet their parents are probably worried sick. Ben, Brixton
I walked out of a club with a girl last night.
She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, “Yours or mine?”
I said, “That’s mine.” Joe, Bondi
I bought a pig today. I plan on fattening it up so it can spit-roast it……then cook and eat it. Jeff, Newbury
I went to church and sat in the confession box, then spoke regretfully of how I had committed terrible acts of paedophilia.
“Why are you telling me this, Father?” said the woman. Lydia, Manly
What have a car and a naked woman at Glastonbury got in common?
Mudflaps. Gary, Wimbledon
I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.
“You’re a big lass, aren’t you?” I said.
“Tell me something I don’t know,” she replied with a tear in her eye.
“Salad tastes nice.” Jamie, Fremantle
“Dear, why are there broken condoms on our couch?”
Would you please call our children by their names.” Jake, Sutton
Adele is a favourite to win the Mercury Prize.
Not the music award, the one given to the person who most closely resembles the planet Mercury. Lisa, Kings Cross