I always fart at funerals…
Sorry but sometimes you just have to let R.I.P. Alison, Isleworth
I hear the new Apple product has gone down a storm… it’s called iRene. Joe, Paddington
What’s 8 inches long and makes my wife come?
My thumb and middle finger when I click them. Barry, Bondi
How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side. Mike, Staines.
What’s the difference between JLS and Futurama?
There’s only one Bender in Futurama. Chris, Surry Hills
It was my day off today so I didn’t bother getting dressed.
Caused a bit of a stir in Sainsburys. David, Winchester
Say what you like about the Make A Wish foundation. They can work to a Deadline. Paul, Kings Cross
What’s the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
You stop milking a cow after 10 years. Bert, High Barnet
I was shagging for the first time last night. Thrusting away frantically and erratically on top of my girlfriend just wasn’t working. Then I listened to my dad’s advice – “Making love is for you AND your partner. Don’t rush, it’s not a race”. I slowed down and had the best hour of my life.
Then I turned to my dad, thanked him and asked him to kindly get the fuck out of my room. Phil, Adelaide
The missus came home steaming drunk last night. “You up for some role play action, babe?” She asked with a wink.
“Not really.” I replied.
“Oh, come on.” She said. “We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want.”
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror.
As I shouted “THIS… IS… SPARTA!” and kicked her down the stairs. Keith, Croydon