Heathen Jokes


I recently opened a company selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats… Prophets are going through the roof!

My Ex girlfriends wants to get back with me again. Man, I sure am lucky! first I win the lottery now this!

My wife is like a news paper… There is a new issue everyday.

I have a disease where i cant stop telling airport jokes… My doctor says its terminal.

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus. Not only was i shocked, but i was appalled, aghast and dismayed.

I started a band called “Blanket”… Its a cover band.

I gave my wife the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which she declared, “Hey, were getting along really well lately!”

A friend of mine got kidnapped by a group of mimes… They did unspeakable things to him.

Every morning I get hit by the same bike. Its a vicious cycle.

(At my bosses funeral kneeling and whispering at coffin): “who’s thinking outside the box now Gary?”

My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday… I wasn’t expecting that on the postcard she sent from Greece.

My girlfriend gets mad when i mess with her red wine. So i added fruit and lemonade to it and now shes Sangria then ever.

what America thinks Australia is like: G’day mate lets chuck a shrimp on the barbie and then go to the outback and wrestle crocodiles and ride kangaroos.. Boomerang! What Australians are really like: Oi Fuck ya Darren ya stupid fucking cunt stole my last ciggy now I can’t buy another packet til me centerlink pay comes in cuz the fucking dogs fuck you darren fuck refugees.

What is grammar?.. The difference between knowing your shit and knowing You’re shit.

What do you call a blonde woman who you can flip upside down on their head a cook sausages?.. Barbie

A blind man walks into a bar, and then a table.. then a chair.

Carrots may be good for your eyes… But booze will give you double vision.

It was so cold yesterday that my computer froze… I left too many windows open.

Yesterday, I was washing my car with my son. He said: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club… It was open Mike night.

My wife hates how I always pretend we are on walkie-talkies. Wife, ” Our relationship is over!” Me, “Our relationship is what? Over.

Some people nowadays are just so judgmental… I can tell by just looking at them.

What can jump higher than a house?.. nothing a house can’t jump.

Why did the tomato blush?.. It saw the salad dressing.

What’s Black and White and red all over?.. a zebra that was hit by a truck.

What’s blonde made of plastic, and if you flip her on her head, you can cook sausages?.. A Barbie

What do you call a man with no arms? No legs and no body or head?.. Dick.

What’s big and white, and if it falls out of a tree, will it kill you? A fridge.

What time was it when the Prime Minister got eaten?.. Eight P.M.

Women are like kids they cry when they get caught.

What did America say when Britain fell over?.. U.K?

What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup?.. Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby the driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby iv ever seen” The lady makes her way to the back of the bus and sits down she turns to the man next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me”. The man said, “Well you go tell him off, ill hold your monkey for you.”

What do you call someone floating in the water with no arms or legs?.. Buoy.

What Did 0 say to 8?.. Nice belt.

If she tells you, “I got a man”, Keep trying, loyal girls don’t reply.

It’s funny getting heard from the love of someone’s life.

females need to get the hint. Men don’t get their hints.

The Indian restaurant I work for is very secretive about their flatbread recipe, so they made me sign a ‘Naan disclosure agreement.”

I got into a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9… The odds were against me.

“I bumped into a beautiful woman last night.” Oh yeah, what happened then? “she asked for my phone number.” Serious? “and then my insurance info.”

My boss told me, “You are the worst train driver I have ever seen, how many trains have you derailed this year? I said: “I’m not sure. It’s hard to keep track.

I just saw my wife trip over and drop a basket of cloths she had just ironed… I watched it all unfold.

5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants. Now they’re tenants.

Lets add a meme to the scheme

Kim Kardashian might be the biggest gold digger 14 Funniest Nicki Minaj Anaconda Memes

Heathen Jokes.

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