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Christmas JokesDo you know why Santa doesn’t have any children? He only comes once a year and that’s down a chimney… Rob, Surry Hills

The first present I opened this Christmas was a pen knife. I was so excited, I used it to cut open all my other presents. Shame about the pup. Terry, Bondi

Eating Christmas dinner with the family, we were reading the jokes from our Christmas Crackers; my dad started off with his joke – it was,
“What do shooting stars and false teeth have in common? They only come out at night.”

To which I replied, “like rapists.”

That was our Christmas dinner ruined for this year. Renee, Adelaide

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic. Gareth, New Yarra

Just had a nice piece of edam from Israel. I fucking love cheese’s of Nazareth. Alex, Darlinghurst

These Jacob’s Crackers are rubbish, no bang, no jokes and where’s the party hat? Alyson, Blue Mountains

I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don’t get any disgusted looks. Richard, St Kilda

After a particularly wild company Christmas party, the vice president woke up with a terrible hangover. He turned over and groaned to his wife, “what the hell happened last night?”
“As usual you made a fool of yourself in front of the Chairman of the board.”
“Piss on him.” answered the man.
“You did,” she said. “And he fired you.”
“Fuck him.” the man replied.
“I did. You go back to work on Monday.” James, Balmoral

Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered “No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!” Paul, Wollongong

How does King Wenceslas like his pizza? Deepan, crisp and even. Debbie, Fremantle

Brunnette: ‘You wanna come to my New Years Eve party?’

Blonde: ‘Sure, when?’ Lola, Brisbane

My missus is ill and it’s New Years Eve, so she has told me to go out on my own tonight and ring in the new year.

That’s nice, I’m thinking maybe Feb/March time. Giles, Christchurch

BREAKING NEWS…Bernard Matthews has died aged 80.
In an unrelated story, 6 million turkeys organise New Years Eve party. Sylvia, Paddington