Whether it’s right or wrong, we do it every month, here’s our sickest jokes for February!
The local slag told me she’d only have sex if we’re engaged.
“Okay, okay,” I said, locking the door on the pub toilet. “Happy now?” Andy, Woollongong
Off to the pictures with my wife tonight to see, ‘Twelve Years a Slave’. It has got me out of a spot of bother with her as it reminded me it was our twelfth wedding anniversary. Ed, Melbourne
“I’ve done some digging, mate,” I said to my best friend. “Your wife has been cheating on you for the past two weeks.”
Confused, he said, “But she died three weeks ago.”
“I know,” I replied. “I just told you I was digging.” Dylan, St. Kilda
My mate asked me how things were going with the new girl I’d been seeing.
“We’ve split up” I said. “She was too old fashioned when it comes to sex.”
“Like making you wait?”
“No” I replied. “She had a really hairy minge.” Harry, Newcastle
In hindsight, when the cops pulled me from the wreckage of my car, and asked if I was drunk I probably shouldn’t have said “Of course, do you think I’m a fucking stunt driver!” Laura, Bondi
I wish I was a shark. Nobody gives them any hassle for circling schools, picking out the weakest looking specimens and satisfying their appetite. Tom, Adelaide
News: Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Attempted Bombing of U.S. Plane.
I give them 9/11 for their efforts. Sonya, Sydney
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? They say he had locomotives. Alex, Richmond
“You know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head and can’t get it out? Ok, now imagine the song is a tumour.” said the Insensitive Doctor. Ellen, Melbourne
Don’t you just hate it when you get a pubic hair in your mouth or stuck between your teeth?
I should stop doing my drugs off pub toilet seats in all fairness. Steve, Kings Cross
The boss came over to my desk and said ‘Can I have that report I asked for?’ ‘Ah…’ I started to reply – ‘Don’t tell me you haven’t done it!’ he yelled, ‘Ok’, I replied, ‘I won’t, but you’re going to find out sooner or later!’ Olivia, Perth
After going to the trouble of buying dinner for two, wine, flowers and chocolate, I would have thought that a getting a blowjob would be least I could expect.
Apparently not, and the checkout girl even called the manager. Luke, Fremantle
I told my mate, “I’ve got the 7 year itch.”
He said, “you’re not even married, Dave. ”
“I know, but remember when I shagged your sister back in 2007…” Jamie, Perth
I always give women a good time in the bedroom. Well, it’s a good time by 100m sprint standards. Rich, Bondi
I often wonder if we ever get visited by aliens and they look to talk with intelligent life, will they think that we are taking the piss if we send in Stephen Hawking. Nigel, Surfers Paradise
Today I was just putting some bread into the toaster when unexpectedly my wife walked into the kitchen in the sexiest outfit imaginable.
Instantly, I threw her over the table and we had the most incredible sex of our marriage. It was more than sex, it was as if we were combined together by love and lust, we became one being, one identity, one incredible energy. For the first time in our lives we just let loose, we cast the shadows of our past behind us and forgot our troubles, we were happy. We had lost ourselves in the passion.
Then, I returned to the toaster just in time for the bread to pop and offered her some toast. Zack, Melbourne
Two little boys return to school and are sitting in their classroom when their new French teacher walks in.
“Cor, she’s gorgeous, I wonder how old she is?” whispers the first boy.
“If we could get hold of her knickers, we could find out.” says the second.
“How do you work that out?”
“Well, in the back of my pants it says ‘6-8 years’.” Jake, Surry Hills
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