I’ve changed my facebook name to ‘Nobody actually’.

Just to screw with people’s heads when I like their statuses.   Sarah, Coogee


I was in a butcher’s shop in London this morning, “have you got any pork pies?” I asked.

“Certainly” replied the butcher, “the Queen’s real name is Alfie Noakes and I shagged Cheryl Cole with my 2 foot long penis last night”   Gav, Bow


As my mouth slowly started to fill up with another man’s cum I made a mental note to myself…

Never go down on a girl from Essex again.   Sam, Paddington


I hate Russian dolls.

They’re so full of themselves   Paul, Fremantle


A little girl down my road went missing this morning. Her parents asked everyone in the neighbourhood to help search for her.

They didn’t seem too impressed when I came out of the house with my scuba gear.   Richy,Kings X

My new girlfriend was on her knees, unzipping me.

“I call my cock Carlsberg” I said, “because it’s probably the best in the world.”

After a few seconds she replied, “You’re right with the Carlsberg. It tastes of stale piss.”   Sean, Leeds


The sun in Scotland is a bit like Justin Bieber’s homosexuality.

We know it’s there but it just won’t come out.   Craig,Glasgow


Sometimes i like to crouch down, pull my legs up towards my chest, tuck my head in really tight and then move forward….. A little strange i know, but thats how i roll   Sara, Newcastle


What’s the difference between February and Amy Winehouse?

February makes it to 28!   Billy London