Ed came home drunk, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife
and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ed.’
Ed was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.

‘So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’
‘Not bad,’ replied Ed the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’
‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’
‘Never,’ said Ed.
‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal.’

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard… “Ed, wake up! You sh!t the bed!”
Frankie, Manly

Directions:
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The child replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right.”
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town if you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle.
“Awww, bullsh!t… you don’t even know the way to the Post Office.”
Carrie, Aldershot

Shave and a haircut, two bits:
An elderly man has a haircut and tells the barber he can’t
have a shave because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball. The barber replied, “Oh you would just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Mark, Fremantle

I was walking my dog through the park today, and I noticed a sign, that said, “If your dog does a poo, please pick it up and put it in the litter bin provided.”

I tried this, but my Rottweiler is too fucking heavy.
Nick, Surry Hills

I went to a wedding yesterday but was so bored I decided to have a little nap in the pews. Not long later I was woken by everyone shouting and screaming at me asking me what I was doing.

Apparently I was meant to be standing at the alter with my fiance.
Ricky, London

“Good God Holmes!”
“What is it Watson?”
“We seemed to have forgotten our Christian names.”
Adam, Richmond

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