One of the greatest comics to grace the planet with his presence, Robin Williams played both serious and comic characters, from Good Will Hunting, to Aladdin’s Genie, Patch Adams, and Mrs Doubtfire, his death has left a serious rip in the world’s heart. Here we give you 25 Robin Williams jokes that will make you piss yourself with laughter and cry that he’s no longer around.
“Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.”
“I walked into my son’s room the other day, and he’s got four screens going at the same time. He’s watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say “He’s got ADD.” Fuck that, he’s multitasking.”
“You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.”
“Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go “omg, omg, wtf, zzz”? Is that rude?”
“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”
“When in doubt, go for the dick joke.”
“Cricket is basically baseball on valium.”
“Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?”
“Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.”
“I remember was the economy was working and there was a budget surplus. Yeah! “Where’s Clinton?” We impeached him. “Fuck! For what?” A blowjob. “Wow! Who did he blow, Putin?””
“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
“Freud: If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.”
“I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, “Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?” And I said, “Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?””
“I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.”
“If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.”
“If you’re basically having Frosted Flakes, and you’re older than ten years old and it’s after ten o’clock in the morning… I’m gonna guess: weed may be involved.”
“People go “now, Robin, how do I know if I’m an alcoholic?” Well as one, let me give you some warning signs. Number one, after a night of heavy drinking, you wake up fully clothed going “Hey! Somebody shit in my pants!””
“Number two, you have a couple of cocktails, you find yourself on the freeway going, “What are these fuckers doing going the wrong way?””
“Number three, you get drunk, you go out for Indian food, you wake up in Bombay with a camel licking your balls.”
“Blackouts, I joke, are like sleepwalking with activities.”
“Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish. I’ve seen him going to a drug dealer who said: “I’m out, man!” “I have nothing left.””
“We may all be dead and gone, Keith Richards will still be there with five cockroaches. He’ll be going, “I smoked your uncle, did you know that?”
“The drug they gave me for the surgery was a drug called Propofol. Which, it’s nickname is milk of amnesia. Fucking insane drug. I had that in a surgical situation. Michael Jackson was taking Propofol at home to sleep. Fuck off. A doctor said taking Propofol to sleep is like doing chemotherapy because you’re tired of shaving your fucking head.”
“The definition of pornography is quite simple. Erotic is using a feather, pornography is using the entire chicken.”
“I love the guys who say “I watch NASCAR for the racing.” Yeah, and I watch porn for the acting. You LIAR!”
Robin Williams Best Quotes Being Genie In Aladdin
