A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter.

The cashier asks, “Do you have a dog sir?”

“Yes, it’s at home,” replies the man.

“To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy,” says the cashier.

Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter.

“Do you own a cat sir?” asks the cashier.

“Yes I do, it’s at home,” says the man.

“Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food,” says the cashier.

The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier.

He has a brown paper bag in his hand.

“Here,” he says to the cashier, “put your hand in here.”

The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag.

“It is all soft and warm,” she says.

“Yes, that’s right,” says the man, “I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper.” Phil, Fremantle

Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn’t.

The guilt was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: “Dave don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won’t be the last. Just let It go Dave.”

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: “Dave… Daaaave… you’re a veterinarian you sick bastard!” Rich, St Kilda

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”

The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”

The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough now!” Jerry, Paddington

Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, “Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?”

The Teacher says, “Of course not Johnny,”

To which Johnny replies, “Then I have definitely shit my pants then…” Brent, Kings Cross

Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons. Sharif, Fitzroy

Two old ladies are at the movies.

“Psst,” says one old lady. “I think the guy next to me is beating off.”

“What makes you say that?”

“He’s using my hand.” Dave, Cottesloe

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from. Ross, Glebe

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, “Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!”

“What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?”

“No,” says Johnny. “It’s salty.” Jeff, Richmond