We love jokes, and we kind of love September. So what better than funny jokes in September! Here’s a selection of our favourites – we hope you enjoy!
‘Kidnapping’ is such a strong word. I like to think of it as a ‘Surprise Adoption’.
Marielle, Surry Hills
What’s big, black and makes kids cry when it lands on their face? A dog being thrown off a roof.
Aimee, Richmond
When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Leo, Elizabeth
My Chinese friend died last week. Soh Yung.
Stella, Wollongong
Women are like hurricanes: when they come, they’re wet and wild, but when they leave, they take your house and car.
Henry, Canberra
When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck so far in her fanny, the midwife had to pull me out. That’s how excited I was to see my little brother.
Melville, Darwin
After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.
She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
“Fair enough,” I replied, groping her breasts.
Tommo, Newcastle
If online bullying has taught us anything, it’s that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight.
Chris, Darlinghurst
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common: they’re both changed regularly for the same reason.
Cristine, Bondi
Whenever I see my wife’s tampon string, I can’t help but wonder if she’s just an angry puppet who’s cut herself free.
Freddy, Rockhampton
My girlfriend told me I should try and see things from a girl’s point of view. So I looked out the kitchen window.
Ryan, Coogee
Finally found my wife’s G-spot! I grabbed the handle of the hoover.
Dylan, Kings Cross
I tried to share a meal with a homeless guy last night. He told me to fuck off and go buy my own.
Eddie, Noosa
After weeks of speculation, Simon Cowell has finally confirmed he’s going to be a father. I can see him now, undoing his belt so he can get a tit out to breastfeed.
James, Manly
At a huge cost, our local cinema has just installed luxury seude seating… I can’t help thinking that they should have waited until after the One Direction film.
Tim, Wollongong
A couple of hipsters walked into my clothes shop. Unfortunately, I didn’t have anything to fit conjoined twins.
Mary, St Kilda
My girlfriend announced to me tonight that she is leaving me for a professional model. They’re going to look a right pair now with his chiseled jaw and her crooked one.
Rob, Collingwood
I’ve learned something new from watching the news today: If you’re going to smuggle cocaine out of Peru, it’s probably best not to dress in a Mickey Mouse hat.
Tina, Manly
An old woman walked up to me while I was reading my paper.
She asked, “Excuse me, do you know the time?”
“Yes I do,” I replied. “Now fuck off, I’m busy!”
Derek, Darlinghurst
I got pulled over by the police today and the officer said, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
I replied, “Obviously not fast enough.”
Macy, Braintree
Hangovers are nature’s way of grounding you as an adult.
Nancy, Yallingup
If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make “Microwave.” No, don’t test it or question it, just believe me.
Dorian, Balmain
I refereed a women’s football match yesterday. It was brilliant. I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she’d done wrong.
Phil, Newtown
