• Sydney is a rip off. I walked into the newsagent and there was a sign which read ‘PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR CHANGE’.
I paid ten dollars for a Newspaper.
• A nun rides into a bar on a horse and the barman says ‘Why the long face?’ and the nun says ‘I haven’t had a shag in 18 years.’
• A Zen Buddhist told me a joke the other day. He said ‘What is the difference?’

DANIEL TOWNES – Winner: FHM Funniest Man in Australia

• I thought “don’t let the bed bugs bite” was just something my mum used to say to me as a kid. Those things are real, and they itch like crazy. I got them about five years ago in a hostel in Adelaide.
To kill them you gotta boil them all in water, I didn’t know that. If I knew that as a kid, and my mum said ‘don’t let the bed bugs bite”
I would have been like “well do the washing then.”
• Fact: male mosquitos don’t suck your blood, they survive off plant nectar. It’s only the females that suck your blood. How’s that for a bit of a role reversal, the female is the meat eater and the man goes “oh just a salad thanks.

• Jokes supplied by headline acts at Sydney’s Comedy Store – check out www.comedystore.com.au

• A NORFOLK couple get married and are on their honeymoon.
The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, “Please be gentle with me … I’m a virgin.”
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.
He comforts him by saying, “Now, now. It’ll be okay. If she wasn’t good enough for her own family, she’s not good enough for ours.”

Jack, Cairns

AN ESSEX girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: “Choose one from our range on the wall.” She says “I’ll take the red one.”
The man replies: “That’s a fire extinguisher.”

Bob, Adelaide

THE HEAD of the Chelsea supporters group decides to take his eight-year-old son to a game.
At half time, an opposition supporter called one of the Chelsea players, prompting son to ask him “dad, what’s a transvestite?”
His father replied, “Go ask your mum, he’ll know.”

Shelley, St Kilda