• WITH those long legs, sleek hair and powerful hind quarters, we’re sure you’ve all had more than your fair share of horse-based sexual urges before… what not once? Well, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Anyway, we have sadly accepted that there is still a social taboo surrounding inter-mr_t_horse-sexspecies intercourse so are always looking for good excuses to cover up any deviant dalliances, and it seems we can follow the lead of a 35-year-old Indonesian man who has convinced everyone there was a perfectly innocent reason behind him almost losing his penis and shedding a testicle after a horse, named Budi, chomped on his private parts.
Despite being rushed to hospital with a face longer than the nag, he concocted a tale where he was unloading sand from a horse-drawn cart at a construction site when the beast attacked.
He even found a ‘witness’ who said the animal lunged at the man’s crotch, before he noticed a piece of flesh on the pavement.
He said: “Luckily the horse did not chew up or swallow his testicle, but spat it on to the pavement. So I picked it up and brought it to the doctor where the victim was being treated.”
Our special contacts enabled us to acquire a video of the attack and it looks like the equine didn’t take kindly to the words “bray my name, big ears” being horse whispered.

• BURYING a family member is always a sad and distressing experience, but we imagine the pain may be greater if you almost buried someone else’s family member as you were unable to identify your own bloody mum.mr_t_coffin
Elena Stancu, from the Romanian village of Tanacu, took what she believed was her dead mother’s body from the morgue of the County Hospital in Vaslui after the 73-year-old died from a heart attack.
She made all the funeral arrangements but when she got to the point of burying her mother the village gravedigger Ciprian Ungureanu told her she was burying the wrong body. He said: “I realised immediately it was another person in that big coffin. I knew the deceased and had made a smaller grave for her.”
Although morgue employees mixed up the name tags, you’d have thought her own daughter would recognise her. But no.
“When I took mom from the morgue I looked at her but didn’t realise it wasn’t her. I spent the last four years away and I thought the illness changed her.”
So the message is to keep in touch with your mum and don’t neglect her. You never know when she will be updating her will.

• INSIDE the stomach of a killer whale, in an owl sanctuary, in Max Mosley’s sex dungeon, in an actual girl’s bed … the list of weird and wonderful places where we have woken up beggars belief, but even we’d be a bit freaked out if we were the Croatian motorist who crashed through an undertakers’ window and woke up to find himself in an open coffin.
Radoslav Pokrajac, 30, was thrown from the car through an open window and sailed through the air before landing in a display of the funeral director’s special offers in Sibinj.
“He was very frightened,” said one rescue worker. “When he woke up he didn’t know if he was alive or dead.”
Ever-sympathetic and not at all morbid owner Miro Zirdum said it was not the first time a car had crashed into his showroom.
“This is third or fourth time I’ve had a car in my shop,” moaned Zirdum. “And none of them have brought me any business.”
Just go out and murder a few people, Miro. That will do the trick.

• THE DAYS when every female driver was a gibbering wreck unable to concentrate due to recurring thoughts of kittens, wedding cakes and shoes seem to be over, but the bonkers birds are still not doing much to help themselves, are they?
Police were forced to rescue a woman from a roundabout in Germany after fellow motorists said she’d done over 50 circuits.
They used two cop cars to guide her off at an exit after drivers called to say she was going round in circles in Braunschweig.
“I was breaking in a new car to see how it does in traffic and I couldn’t seem to get to one of the exits,” 62-year-old part-time comedian Andrea Zimmer told police.mr_t_woman-driver
“I must admit I got a good feel for my new car and its handling. I think I can safely say it takes roundabouts pretty well.”
A police spokesman said: “After a short chat with her on a side road with some advice she went on her way.”mr_t_phone_god_1
Advice along the lines of ‘never drive a fucking car again’ we hope.

• ANYONE wanting to speak to the big man upstairs will have to leave a message – and no we’re not speaking about obese Oscar on level five taking a lengthy liquid lunch, but God himself after an art exhibition opened in Holland allowing people to call a phone number designated for the bearded wonder.
Dubbed God’s Hotline, the Groningen-based installation aims to focus attention on changes to ways Dutch people perceive religion. Artist Johan van der Dong chose a mobile number to show that God was available anywhere and anytime.
Amazingly, critics say the project mocks those with religious beliefs.
The voicemail says: “This is the voice of God, I’m unable to speak to you at the moment, but please leave a message.”
Van der Dong said: “I’m not a pastor and I won’t listen to the messages. It’s a secret between the Lord and people who call.”
So basically you can’t be bothered listening to God-bothering freaks either. Join the club, Johan