THE AGE old adage of “whoever denied it, supplied it” was followed to the letter in Florida as a high school student was suspended from lessons for farting, despite saying he wasn’t the man to blame for dropping the stink bomb.
Jonathon Locked Jr was banned from Bill Duncan Opportunity School in Lakeland, Florida, under a school district rule against ‘disruptive behaviour’. 
School officials said the 15-year-old repeatedly passed gas to make other kids laugh and the smell made it hard to breathe.
But Locke denied passing the alleged gas, saying he wasn’t the culprit: “It wasn’t even me. It was a kid who sits in front of me.”
If the matter goes to court he will base his case around the “whoever smelt it, dealt it” principle, while the defence are confident their “whoever said the rhyme, did the crime” will be convincing enough to win the day.
• WE’RE sure you all remember the Pepperami advert telling us it’s “a bit of an animal” – well life has certainly imitated art in Romania.
Nelu Luca, from Iasi, had eaten half the vacuum-packed salami before he spotted a dead mouse inside the snack.
He said: “I couldn’t believe it. I’m always careful with what I buy but the salami looked perfectly fine from the outside. But in the middle there was a dead mouse.”
Manufacturers Tabco Campofrio Romania, based in Tulcea, now face a fine of up to £1,000.
Valerian Salvastru, head of consumer protection, said: “We took samples from the salami and sent them to the lab to see if there was a health risk. We are continuing our investigations.”
Ovidiu Wencz, boss of the salami producers, blamed saboteurs and thinks someone deliberately put a mouse in the mixture.
He said in the past they had found screws and nuts in their salami but solved that problem by installing magnets.
Looks like you might have to order a few mouse traps mate.
• IN A variation on the claim it ain’t over til the fat lady sings, a Chinese group will prove it ain’t started til the fat lady dances.
A professional dance company – The Overweight Troupe – made up of only tubby performers has just set out on its first national tour, with members weighing an average of 20 stone.
Troupe leader, Fei Fei, aka ‘Chubby’, says they now have 14 performers, including 10 girls and four boys, with the lightest being nearly 16st and the heaviest a gut-busting 35st.
“Our recruitment criterion is that your weight must be more than 100kg (15st 10lb),” she said.
Fei Fei said she was born big, weighing 12lb 2oz, and by the time she was 11, her weight had reached more than 11st.
“I would rarely go outside because I could not bear people staring and laughing at me,” added the big fat heffa.
She set up the troupe to make a living but also feel part of society.
Members say the most difficult part had been training for the stage which required them to master leg splits and flips in the air.
And the fact they no longer spent all day eating Chinese food.
• THERE is a lot of grief attached to being a twin – people comparing your achievements, the struggle to find your own identity, being annoyed by Arnold Schwarzenegger’s madcap antics – but at least you can always blame your cock-ups on your lookalike, and this worked a treat in Germany this week.
Twin brothers arrested on suspicion of stealing £5.6m of jewellery and watches in Berlin were released because police couldn’t prove which one did it.
The 27-year-olds were accused of the daring heist at Europe’s largest department store, KaDeWe, and are thought to have abseiled inside through a skylight after scaling the building.
The brothers, from Lower Saxony, were arrested two weeks later, but because their genetic information is so similar, traces of DNA found at the scene did not provide conclusive evidence.
Whichever one did it, we’re sure their mummy says she’s equally proud of both of them.
• A PLANE containing 80 passengers narrowly avoided a crash in the Philippines – after the son of the airport manager teaching his girlfriend to drive sped across a runway with poor visibility.
The aircraft briefly touched down at Legazpi airport, but took off again as the van crossed the runway.
“That van could have turned us into a fireball had I not successfully aborted landing,” in-no-way-egotistical-and-demanding-hero-worship pilot Christopher Nowioki said.
Airport manager Frisco Sto. Domingo has now been sacked. We don’t know whether the girl involved passed her test, but as she’s female we know what eventuality our money would be on.
• AMERICAN Rip Van Winkle is seeking medical help – for insomnia.
Mr Van Winkle, 37, of Corvallis, Oregon, admitted: “I went to the doctor’s office and the irony is incredible. My name is Rip Van Winkle, and I can’t sleep.”
His father and grandfather were both nicknamed Rip, after the fictional character who fell asleep for 20 years. His dad decided to name his son Rip officially as he didn’t want to delay the inevitable. But he says he wouldn’t change it: “It’s cool, as you get a chance to be yourself,” he said, adding there were plenty of Johns out there. “How many Rip Van Winkles do you meet?”
Does he mean in countries full of normal people, or in America?
