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MY WIFE woke me up in the middle of the night and whispered: “I think there’s something going on downstairs!”
“Alright,” I replied. “Get your fanny out, and we’ll see.”
“Not that you daft git, I mean I think there’s an intruder in the living room!”
“I know what you meant, but if there is I want to scare him off!”
John, Wollongong

WAKING the Dead. One letter away from being the most controversial show on TV.
Jack, Chicago

BBC News: “Lady Gaga drops Facebook for charity.”
She should think about dropping her knickers, for clarity.
Peter, Yorkshire

WHEN I was at school, the other pupils voted me: “Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution.”
They got that wrong!
Turns out I’m actually: “Pupil who didn’t die in a mysterious school arson attack.”
Dexy, Surry Hills

HERE’S a picture of me with the band REM.
That’s me in the corner.
Timothy, Perth

I JUST love the smell of grannies cooking.
That’s why I torched the old peoples’ home.
Ted, Leeds

I USED to be really good at reading braille.
But I lost my touch.
Rick, Darwin

I WON’T be abbreviating Elton John’s name and title.
No Sir E.
Jimbo, Townsville

BEING wanked off and cooking are pretty similar.
Plenty of people will do it for you but your nan does it best.
Sam, Derby

A MUTE incontinent. Goes without saying.
Roger, Randwick