Went dogging with the wife last night.
By the time she parked the car everyone had fucked off.
Some of the lads in the pub were talking about wanking. One lad said that if you sit on your hand till it goes numb, it feels like someone else is wanking you off. So I went home that night and tried it.
It didn’t work for me. It just felt like I was sitting on my hand.
My new Year’s resolution is to stop leaving things so late.
The barman says: “We don’t serve time travellers in here”.
A time traveller walks into a bar.
Men think about sex every seven seconds.
Which is why I eat hot dogs in under six seconds… so it doesn’t get weird.
The wife served me my dinner last night.
I’ve been cleaning mashed potato out the racquet strings all morning.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised.
I walked into my living room the other day to find my son sitting in front of a roaring fire.
It was worrying as we don’t have a fireplace.
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine obviously never had broken ribs.
I was sitting in my local pub, feeling glum because I haven’t had a shag for ages.
The barman spotted me and said, “Cheer up mate, it might never happen!”
What do women and food processors have in common?
They both make good food, but you wouldn’t want to stick your fingers in them when they’re on.