Now the Pope has resigned he’s looking forward to kicking back and taking in a bit of footy in Switzerland.
He’s off to follow Young Boys. Chuk, Cairns
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder.
Footprints. Graham, Bondi
New evidence claims Pistorious was legless when committing the crime, but the court is still sure the athlete has no leg to stand on. Michael, Adelaide
Before leaving for work this morning my wife asked me to wash the dog.
The good news is he smells great.
The bad news is he’s dead and the washing machine is fucked. Jamie, Fitzroy
I remember being voted as having ‘the hottest ass’ in my year.
I don’t know what’s more upsetting: How fat it has become or that I was home schooled. Aaron, Perth
There’s as sign when you know that you’re masturbating too much.
It’s on the door and says ‘Daddy’s Wanking Room’.
Jack, Sydney
I find it easier to abduct children from school sports days.
Sometimes you can find them already in a sack.
Daniel, Fremantle
My wife said ‘I’m fucking freezing, put another log on the fire’.
Anyone else notice how shit stinks when it’s burning? Amy, Surry Hills
Midgets don’t like being called midgets…
But they really REALLY don’t like being called “people McNuggets” Joel, Darlinghurst
A burglar broke into my house this morning startling me and I instinctively shot him dead. It was all a terrible mistake. I thought it was my wife.
Tim, Brisbane
“I threw a Spanish actor out of my pub today!”
“Javier Bardem?”
“No I just gave him his final warning”
Ryan, Kings Cross
If you don’t like the horse meat burgers at Tesco you should try the meat balls, apparently they’re the dogs bollocks. Barry, St Kilda
The Greek government is in such trouble they’ve halted production of hummus and taramasalata.
Yes, it’s a double dip recession. Ross, Richmond
At a job interview. “What would you say was your greatest weakness?”
“Honesty.”
“I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you think.” Frank, Redfern
My wife likes me to strangle her until she passes out during sex.
I think. John, Northbridge
During one of our lessons I asked the children what
their fathers did for a living.
“My Dad runs the fire station. He’s the station
officer.” Said Simon.
“Very good Simon. Anyone else?”
“My Dad runs the local prison,” piped up Billy.
“Excellent Billy. Is he the prison governor?” I asked.
“No Sir, he’s just the hardest cunt in there.”
Phil, Jundaloop
What do you call a man with no legs?…
Fuck all…He might shoot you. James, Brunswick
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