“A lesbian walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We have a new liquor in today!” The lesbian says, “That’s great! I’d love to meet her!”
Every New Year’s I have the same question, “How did I get home?”
“What’s the difference between sin and shame? It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.”
Pete, Margaret River
“Out with the old, in with the new” is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.
Every New Year’s I wish my husband would make a resolution to watch less football and spend more time .
“Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn’t have one, The Pope has one but doesn’t use it, Dominique Strauss-Khan uses his all the time. What is it? A last name! And shame on you for thinking it was something else.”
This New Year’s I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd.
Men and women have different outlooks to New Year’s Eve. Women see it as a time where they drink way too much, make a bunch of promises and end up not keeping them. For men, that’s just what they call a date.
“I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants.” So I wrote back: “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
Mother door mouse said to her son, “Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?” “Hibernate? Shit, Ma, I thought you said ‘masturbate’!”
