What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
They’re both a great ride, until someone sees you on one… Brian, Bondi
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It’s nice, but can it pick up peanuts? Jo, Cottesloe
Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.
The first old lady has a stroke… But the second can’t reach that far. Ben, Darlinghurst
Dappy was recently hospitalised after being kicked in the head by a horse.
Music industry leaders are considering giving the ‘Outstanding Contribution to Music Award’ to the horse. Phil, Surry Hills
Why should lumberjacks shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from feminists.
Greg, Fremantle
I was sat with my girlfriend’s Dad as she was upstairs getting ready, when the embarrassing pictures made an appearance.
“And here she is in the bath! She hates me showing this to anyone.”
He just looked at me and said, “Fuck off out my house”. John, Newcastle
I forgot to go to Hypochondriacs Anonymous today.
I bet it’s early-onset Alzheimer’s. Theo, Richmond
My wife’s been leaving me messages all day saying she’s in Casualty. Well I hope she gets home soon, it starts in 10 minutes. Geoff, Woollongong
When my girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face. Harry, Paddington
Wind Turbines. I’m a big fan. Kate, Kings Cross
After watching The American Country Awards I was so inspired, I ran out and bought myself a pick up truck.
Now, I’m on my way to my Nan’s house to ask her for her hand in marriage. Bill, Rockingham
Nothing beats waking up to a blow job.
Unless you’ve been in a coma, and your nurse’s name is Steve. Ed, Melbourne
Michael Barrymore said it’s great news that Tom Daley is gay. He said, “It’s great to finally meet someone who takes it up the arse and can swim.” Louis, Manly
Sean Connery has always said he would leave The Bahamas and return to his homeland of Scotland, if it ever gained independence.
He must be shitting himself. Jono, Adelaide
“How about a blowjob? I asked my Thai girlfriend.
“No thanks,” she replied. Charlie, Port Stephens
I’m not saying my wife is horny, but she puts on Barry White when she breast feeds.
Frankie, Surfers Paradise
My butler is such a dick.
He keeps telling me to “move out” and to call him “Dad”. Kim, St Kilda
I’ve just seen my son carrying the toaster up to the bathroom.
“Fat bastard!” I yelled at him. Tom, Darwin
I went into a posh pub in a pair of filthy overalls and this snotty barman said to me,
“I’m sorry, you can’t come in here dressed like that.”
“OK,” I replied as I left, “fix your own fucking heating then.” Pete, Jundaloop
Last night my wife found me in the pub, threw a pint over my head, and called me a ‘fucking cock’.
Every year she has to go and ruin our wedding anniversary. Matt, Coogee
I walked in on my son trying to suck his own cock.
“Oh my God,” he jumped up, “Sorry dad, it’s not what it looks like.”
I said, “Don’t worry son, I’ve tried too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” I replied, “But you woke up before I had the chance.” Derek, Bussleton
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