MONKEY LOVEIN the good old days I used to call my son Turkey. He weighed about 12lbs, was less than a year old, and knew how to gobble…

The police knocked on my door this evening. Sam, Richmond

“WHERE were you around 8:05 last night sir?” asked the officer.

“Funny you should ask,” I replied. “I took the wife upstairs at 8 pm to make love.”

“That’s true,” my wife shouted over, “but fuck knows where he was at five past.” Steve, Surry Hills

MY daughter’s hamster died, so I replaced it whilst she was at school.

As soon as she walked in her room she noticed and said,

“What the hell are you doing in the hamster’s cage dad?” Gerald, Portsmouth

CHLAMIDYA, natures contraception Suzy, Sheffield

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” The blonde said, “No. A bet’s a bet.”

So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”

The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!” Babs, Walford

I split up with the girlfriend tonight and I didnt really think the decision through very well…

… now what the fuck am I going to write jokes about.  Rodney, Perth

DON’T you hate it when your halfway through a good wank and someone disturbs you by saying stupid things like “single to town please”?

Do you ever wonder where people got their surnames from? Ben, Dover

PERHAPS Mr Baker was a baker, Mr Butcher was a butcher and Mr Butler was a butler etc.

How very apt then that my name is Mr Dickinson! David, Cheadle Heath

IF your gonna bully anyone bully people with erectile dysfunction,

they can’t stick up for themselves Pam, Aberdeen

DIRECTIONS:
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?” The child replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right.” The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town if you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to heaven.” The little boy replied with a chuckle.
“Awww, bullsh!t… you don’t even know the way to the Post Office.” Big John, Kings Court Massage

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