The time has finally come that we most bid farewell to one of the dirtiest ladies whoever walked this earth. Passing away on 4th September 2014 a week after suffering a heart attack. Joan Rivers was the first woman to break into late night comedy with her controversial quips. Here we take a look at 40 of the best Joan Rivers jokes.
1. I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.
2. My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.
3. All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
4. I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
5. I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.
6. People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
7. I was born in 1962 … and the room next to me was 1963.
8. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
9. I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.
10. My vagina is like Newark. Men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.
11. A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she’s a tramp.
12. I said to my mother-in-law, “My house is your house.” She said, “Get the hell off my property.”
13. Madonna is so hairy. When she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
14. I said to my husband, “my boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs”. He said, “Blue goes with everything.”
15. When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton’s poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.
16. My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
17. I was the only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighborhood. They all did Hail Marys, I did Hail Murrays.
18. You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
19. Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, “Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.”
20. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
21. Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. “My God, the floor’s immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch.”
22. You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell ‘mom’ backwards.
23. Style is like herpes: You either have it or you don’t.
24. I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
25. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “The man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
26. Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.
27. Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
28. My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “Pick up, I know you’re there.” And she says the same thing back, “How’d you get this new number?
29. I bought a pedigree dog for $300. My friend said, “Give me $300. and I’ll shit on your carpet.”
30. I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
31. Joan Collins lies about her age so much we should have her body carbon-dated.
32. When the rabbi said, “Do you take this man,” 14 guys said, “She has.” My husband bought the horseback-riding story, thank God.
33. Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn’t mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.
34. Elizabeth Taylor is so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
35. If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk.
36. Did you hear Tom Cruise just had a baby? He was there when it was born … He should have been there when it was conceived.
37. My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
38. Madonna has just lost 30 pounds — she shaved her legs.
39. Want to know why women don’t blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
40. Don’t you hate McDonald’s? I heard you can’t get a job there unless you have a skin condition.
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