In these tough times, we all need a little chuckle to keep us going through the week. These are some of the crackers that we’ve got this month, so make a coffee and take five minutes to yourself to enjoy them.
A friend came over one day, visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his third cousin.
I told him, “If it upsets you that much, quit counting them.”
David, Cairns
I hate people at the cinema, talking loudly, eating loudly, laughing loudly.
Shut the fuck up. I’m trying to film a movie here!
Bret, Potts Point
Just seen some blonde rushed into casualty with a pussy full of pellets.
Apparently she wanted to ride shotgun.
Tom, Newscastle
Whenever I play rugby I always target the opposition’s star player and try to injure them with a crunching tackle.
Some people say I’m the dirtiest player in the whole Warwickshire lawn bowls league.
Dave, Manchester
I paid £12.99 for a company to deliver my hamster a new dining table last night.
“I must me fucking mad!” I thought, until I opened the box and realised that they’d also supplied me with a free pizza.
Rob, St Kilda
My wife just asked me “how many beers can you drink and still successfully drive?”
“Into what?” I replied.
Trent, Richmond
I’m glad The Winter Olympics are over.
The Russian section of Redtube hasn’t been updated for two weeks.
Barney, Fitzroy
My wife’s moved on ‘to pastures new’.
Cow.
Doug, Surry Hills.
Justin Bieber goes to jail.
He writes “Free JB!” on wall in protest.
Then learns cellmate is dyslexic.
Tracey, Darlinghurst
I was flashed by a speed camera going through Staines today.
No idea why, I was only doing 30 knots.
Dean, Haverhill
My wife said that she always wanted to see what Venice looked like.
So this weekend I’m taking her to Somerset.
Josh, Greenwich
After going to see 12 Years A Slave at my local cinema, I now understand how it feels to be exploited and robbed of your dignity by ruthless, mercenary overseers.
$4.20 for a Pepsi Max.
Grant, Kings Cross
Fucking cancer,” I said to the barmaid in the pub last night, “If I could switch places with my 12-year-old son right now I would.”
“That’s awful,” she replied, “What type of cancer does he have?”
I said, “He doesn’t have cancer, I do.”
Richard, Paddington
Congratulations to Lizzy Yarnold for winning Gold in the Winter Olympics.
The expert coaching provided by David Beckham on how to ride the skeleton was invaluable.
Sarah, Fremantle
“Release the Kraken!” I shouted, in my best ‘Greek God’ voice.
“Right, that’s it Dave.” said my wife, pulling up her knickers. “You can just fuck off and have a wank.”
Jeremy, Surfers Paradise
I watched curling for a few hours today and I must say I found it very boring.
Plus the women kept giving me funny looks through the hairdresser’s window.
Matt, Gainsborough
A blind guy walked straight into me today.
I gave his dog a really dirty look.
Jen, Balmain
I saw my next door neighbour in the garden this morning. “I could hear you having some very loud, wild sex last night,” she smiled.
“You couldn’t have,” I replied. “I was working nights.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” she apologised, covering her mouth with her hand.
“Don’t be sorry,” I assured her. “Nights aren’t that bad.”
Jeff, Cottesloe
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