royal ascotTo get into the sophisticated spirit (or not) of Royal Ascot, ongoing this week, we thought we’d search for the best horse-related jokes we could find. Let’s horse around:

1.What do you call a promiscuous pony? A Little Whorse!

2.A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a miniature horse in the front seat. “What are you doing with that horse?” He exclaimed, “You should take it to the farm.” The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the horse again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. “I thought you were going to take that horse to the farm!” The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”

horse 13.A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink. He entreats the chicken to get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can’t be found. So, he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole, ties some rope around the bumper and pulls the horse to safety.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to get help from the farmer. The horse says, “Wait, I think I can stand over the hole!” So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says, “Grab my penis and pull yourself up.” The chicken does and pulls himself to safety.

The moral of the story: if you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

horse 24.A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, “Mind if I ask why’d ya kiss your horse on the butt?”
The cowboy says, “It’s ’cause I got chapped lips.”
The bartender asks, “Does manure help them heal?”
Cowboy replies, “No, but it keeps me from licking them.”

5.Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
So they don’t crap on the street during parades!

6.Just before the race begins, I’m going to pull my wife’s knickers down.
So I can amuse myself when I hear “And they’re off!”.

Mind you, I probably shouldn’t be wearing her knickers in the first place.

7.Just heard my mum screaming, “Whip it harder you prick. Whip it!”

She must have got Sky+ installed in her bedroom as the Grand National finished ages ago.

horse 38.George said to Fred, ‘I put $20 on a horse last week and he came in at twenty five to one.’, ‘Wow! you must be loaded’, said Fred. ‘Not really’ said George, ‘the rest of the field came in at twelve thirty.’

9. An inflatable jockey was riding an inflatable horse for an inflatable trainer and an inflatable owner, for the first time over the jumps. Leading easily after the last he pulls up too early and two horse go past him. After the race the jockey was so mad he stuck a pin in the horse, then he stuck a pin in the trainer and then the owner. He was called in front of the Stewards where he stuck a pin in himself. The Stewards said to him, ‘not only did you let the horse, the trainer and the owner down, you have let yourself down.’

10. A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks ‘We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?’ ‘No thanks says the jockey I’ll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!’

horse 411.A horse was looking over a fence watching a game of cricket. “Any chance of a game?” he asked the captain. At first the captain was taken aback by the talking horse, but when it insisted it was keen to play the skipper thought it might be a bit of a laugh if he sent the horse out as opening bat. The horse shaped up to the first ball and slammed it over the boundary for six. He did the same with the second and third, indeed every ball he hit for six until the over ended. He had been partnered by the captain, and when the bowler ran in from the other end and the captain managed his first hit for a meager single he called for the horse to run. But the horse just stood there. Frantic calls by the captain to run were ignored and in the confusion the skipper was stumped out. “Why didn’t you run?” roared the captain. “Listen mate,” said the horse, “if I could run I would be at the racetrack today, not messing around with this cricket game.

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