– “Oh come on Moneypenny, come to bed with me…”?
“No James!” She sighs, “I know you special forces types. You’ll be in and out before I know anything about it…”
– Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film.
…Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.
– Adele has written the new Bond soundtrack:
‘When the sky falls, when it crumbles………….’
It’s always about the fucking food with her.
– They say it ain’t over till the fat lady sings…
R.I.P Daniel Craig.
– M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn’t hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.
The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says “Virgin Mary speaking.” M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn’t.
M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. “Virgin Mary speaking,” comes the response. “Is James there yet?” asks M. Again the answer is no.
M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.
“Hello, Mary speaking…”
– Sean Connery was interviewed by Donahue, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kylie said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.” So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay”. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, “Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks “Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?” Sean replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet.”
– 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “I’ve just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me”, he explains.
“What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers…”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!”
Bond tuts, taps his watch, and says, “Damn thing must be an hour fast!”
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