You know the situation: you’re in a crowded bar on a Friday night, but so is everybody else. Everybody else in the entire world. Literally everyone has had the same idea as you. No need to dwell, just focus on getting a drink down your neck and enjoying this glorified game of sardines as best you can. Here are the ten best ways to make sure you get that drink, fast.
1) Know the barman.
Or even better, be sleeping with him. This might wangle a discount, too. Not that we’re actively encouraging this as a sole motive for engaging in sexual relations with somebody in the hospitality industry, but it could help.
2) Tip him after your first drink.
This one’s an old favourite; call it an investment. And it should work, as long as the greedy bugger doesn’t expect an extra three quid after every single purchase; because that would make for a very expensive night.
3) Don’t wave money at him.
As much as you think shoving a soggy ten pound note in his face will make him come running, unfortunately the money is not his for the taking. And he also has about fifteen people around him all doing the same thing. Think again, pal.
A smile costs nothing, it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, etc etc. You know the drill, we were all taught it in primary school. But seriously, a face like a slapped arse will get you nowhere.
5) Wolf whistle.
We like to think of this as an innovative twist on an old classic. We all know that whistling to attract a bartender’s attention is often considered patronising these days; he’s not a slave, remember. But the simple act of transforming a bog-standard whistle into a wolf whistle full of va-va-voom and desire? He’ll be over in a jiffy.
6) Stare at him.
Not in a creepy way, obviously. But a bit of seductive eye contact will never go a miss.
7) Tell him it’s your birthday.
As long as he doesn’t check your ID, or make you undergo a Jeremy Kyle-esque lie detector test, this one’s a go-er. And if it backfires and results in the entire bar singing happy birthday and buying you shots? Embrace it.
8) Pick a prime spot.
There’s a reason no-one is standing at the far corner of the bar. It’s not because they’re stupid, or because they’re blind and can’t see the space. It’s because you just won’t get served there. We would suggest standing somewhere towards the middle, equidistant between two servers. Doubles your chances, and all that.
9) Put your hand on the bar.
In the same way as a dog pees at a lamppost, this is a recognised way of marking your territory. If you can snake your arm into a gap without breaking it, then theoretically this should enable you to squeeze your way into a space at the front of the queue. The bar tender will almost certainly see this move and be wowed by your survival-of-the-fittest mindset. He will then serve you immediately out of pure admiration.
10) Stand with your shoulders square to the bar, facing forward and making eye contact.
We thought we ought to provide you with at least one useful piece of advice on this list, and this one comes from German research. No, we’re not kidding, someone actually spent time conducting a study into this. Logistically though, you’d probably have to be a body builder/rugby player to make sure you could actually maintain such a strong stance. Good luck.
So after assessing these ten rules, the key thing to remember is to definitely use your sexuality to your advantage on occasions like this. Yes, we know you were brought up being told to value yourself, and never to become objectified as a woman. But you wouldn’t want to die of thirst now, would you? That would just be silly.