robert-downeyTHE owners of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s literary estate have threatened to withdraw Guy Ritchie’s rights to the Sherlock Holmes story if he turns him into Sherlock Homo.

Robert Downey Jr, who plays the opium-loving supersleuth in Ritchie’s new adaptation, hinted at a homoerotic subtext in the relationship between his character and Jude Law’s Dr Watson in an interview with David Letterman.

He also asked the audience to decide whether Holmes is “a very butch homosexual.”

But if reading the Daily Mail in our secret Nazi bunker every night has taught us anything, it’s that being gay is evil. And Andrea Plunket, who controls the US copyrights to the Holmes story, is clearly a fellow cellar-fascist as well.

“I hope this is just an example of Mr Downey’s black sense of humour,” said humourless Andrea.

“It would be drastic, but I would withdraw permission for more films to be made if they feel that is a theme they wish to bring out in the future. I am not hostile to homosexuals, but I am to anyone who is not true to the spirit of the books.”