THEY can raise tuition fees, sell off the NHS, bring back the Poll Tax – whatever – but for the love of God please don’t let the Tories push through their latest plan. They want to block porn from every computer in Britain.

The disturbing move, which the papers back home can’t really criticise or they’ll look like dirty pervs, would force people to ask internet service providers to lift restrictions before they could log on to saucy sites.

Ministers hope the idea will stop children being exposed to sex at an early age.

“This is a very serious matter,” said Communications Minister Ed Vaizey while bashing one out on YouPorn. “I think it is very important that it’s the ISPs that come up with solutions to protect children.”

Should the Tories need experts in online porn then BBM is only a phone call away. We conduct research on the subject on a nightly basis and have a particular interest in the area of amateur red-headed teens… with big tits.