• IF you are an armed robber trying to steal an automobile, then you would probably hope the getaway car would look after itself, but what would you do if you were stopped in your tracks and chased by a gang baying for blood?
It’s obvious isn’t it, turn into a goat.
And if you are a policeman faced with numerous eye witness reports that a man had just turned himself into a goat, then it’s another no-brainer about what you do next – arrest said goat of course.
So somewhere in Nigeria at the moment, a goat is being held on suspicion of attempted armed robbery of a Mazda 323.
Vigilantes took the black and white beast to cops saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to escape arrest.
In an early contender for quote of the year, Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed said this (we have to give this to you in full): “The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat. We can’t confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat.”
We look forward to reporting the ‘scientific’ methods he uses.
• WE take our role as public guardians very seriously here at BBM, so we feel obliged to advise you that next time you get pissed and develop the urge to have sex with a raccoon, make sure you feed your furry friend first.
A cautionary tale from Moscow this week proved the dangers of this particular form of inter-species slap and tickle as a hungry raccoon bit off a pervert’s penis as he tried to get down to business.
Alexander Kirilov, 44, was apparently on a boozy weekend with mates when he leapt on the terrified, but toothy, fur ball.
“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he casually told casualty surgeons.
But the city’s best plastic surgeons face a battle to restore his mangled manhood. “He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off,” said a pal. “That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with.”
Rumours he recruited a pink aardvark called Cyril and his trio of pig henchmen for a revenge mission are as yet unconfirmed.
• THE HORRORS of the previous Romanian regime must have left mental scars for kids growing up, but nowadays everything is so hunky-dory that children are by no means sheltered – in fact they fill their spare time with robberies and sex-toy-based-fun.
Firstly, police investigating a burglary in Galati were shocked when they found out the thieves who broke into a kindergarten were pupils, aged six and seven.
The bad boys entered during the evening, when classes were finished and took money, pencils and colouring books.
Police said the six-year-old had stolen the entrance key from his teacher’s purse during class and returned for three hours of playing with the toys and rummaging around classrooms.
Kindergarten head, Lenusa Boubatran, said: “What I didn’t understand was why they threw out in the rain colouring and reading books as if they wanted to get revenge on something.”
Probably twats like you who make kids do maths instead of being allowed to piss about, Lena. Harshly, police said the kids’ parents will probably be fined for their childrens’ acts.
• Meanwhile, in downtown Constanta city, a Romanian 10th grade schoolgirl was in trouble after a police patrol caught her carrying an inflatable doll down the street.
The girl carried the big-breasted doll from a sex-shop to her high school where she was stopped by police who heard she was going to play a prank on a classmate for his birthday.
But the killjoy officers said she may be charged with exposing pornographic materials and called her parents to the station.
She may also be facing a fine from the draconian police.
Christ, if they keep taking money off innocent kids, Romanian police officers will have one hell of a Christmas party next year.
• SCENES in the Chinese city of Zhenzhou last week were reminiscent of films like Point Break, Heat and The Dark Knight as a group of actors dressed as masked gunmen stormed in to rob a bank. The only difference is that people in banks on a Hollywood film set probably know it isn’t actually a real robbery, while the poor bankers in China had no idea it was fake.
In their wisdom, police chiefs hired actors to rob a bank as a training exercise, but neglected to tell anyone. Only the director of Zhenzhou police dept and his deputy knew it was a drill, so everyone else, including the bank, thought it was a real raid.
Four ‘robbers’ rushed into the Post Office Bank, disarmed security and demanded everyone drop to the floor. For the sake of authenticity, they even snatched a bag containing £20,000.
When police arrived, also unaware it was a training drill, they could easily have fired shots as the robbers ran for their lives in four different directions. They were all caught within two hours.
Understandably, cops were also concerned about the psychological effect on traumatised cashiers and customers.
We know Jason Statham is a bald, wooden gimp, but maybe next time they should make do with hiring The Bank Job on DVD.