IF we were to write a list of the top five things we’d love to do this year, then nailing Ana Ivanovic and beating Andy Murray would definitely be on there – in other words, we would love to be Fernando Verdasco.
The Spaniard may have just ended his relationship with the sexy Serb, but at least he was able to put a few aggressive strokes inside her service box, and the fact the Australian Open has made him a household name means he will hardly be struggling for somewhere to put his balls.
The 14th seed came from two sets to one down to beat sulky Scot Andy Murray in the blazing Melbourne heat. The fourth round defeat means he sacrifices the right to be called British on these pages and will revert to his tag of Tartan twat.
For some reason Murray came into the event as bookies’ favourite, so they must be shocked the final is on course to be between Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal – the world no1 and no2, who’d have thunk it.
Dinara Safina will meet Serena Williams in a women’s final containing more testosterone than the Aussie Rules teams who play next door at the MCG.
Meanwhile, Ivanovic is apparently travelling round Oz for the next few weeks. And she’s single. Good luck lads.
ANDY Murray’s closest rival for the title of Scotland’s biggest moaner, Colin Montgomerie – the only man with less wit and charisma than previous incumbent Nick Faldo – will wow us with his inspirational leadership after being named Europe’s Ryder Cup captain for 2010. Well, at least it means the fat has-been isn’t playing.
Monty started the war of words by warning the United States they only have the trophy on loan. Christ, they must be quaking.
The 45-year-old added: “My message to my players is very easy, we go and claim back the Ryder Cup.”
He’s just like a reincarnated Winston Churchill isn’t he.
• PAT Perez sealed his maiden PGA Tour title after winning the Bob Hope Classic in California by three shots from John Merrick and Spaniard Alvaro Quiros won the Qatar Masters by three shots ahead of Sweden’s Henrik Stenson and South Africa’s Louis Oosthuizen.
• LANCE Armstrong finished 29th in the final standings in his competitive comeback in the Tour Down Under. The seven-times Tour de France winner was 49 seconds behind overall leader Allan Davis of Australia after the 81km sixth and final stage in Adelaide.
• RICKY Hatton finally secured his second shot at becoming the world’s best pound-for-pound fighter after his Las Vegas showdown with Manny Pacquiao was confirmed. The Mancunian, currently the world’s top light-welterweight faces pound-for-pound king Pacquiao on May 2, 18 months after being battered by Floyd Mayweather.