ONE minute he was the greatest competitor in Olympic history, the next he was getting pissed and smoking pot in the dorm room of a load of sex-starved college girls – even with that unfortunate face, who wouldn’t want to be Michael Phelps?
The publicity team behind the 14-time gold medalist replaced his backstroke with a masterstroke as they did something nobody thought possible and made the monosyllabic water baby seem both interesting and likeable.
The picture of him inhaling a lungful of giggle gas after two days of partying with students at the University Of South Carolina was brought to the world’s attention by our old friends at The News of The World.
One party-goer said: “He was out of control from the moment he got there. If he continues to party like that I’d be amazed if he ever won any more medals.”
Apparently his legal team were made to look like complete dopes after he was grassed up, in every sense, and allegedly made a hash of their attempts to first deny the story and then to cover it up.
Phelps quickly issued a sheepish statement apologising for his “regrettable” behaviour and for having “demonstrated bad judgment”.
When this apology was accepted and Phelps managed to keep all of his sponsorship deals, everything looked sweet.
But then the South Carolina county sheriff Leon Lott warned Phelps he faces criminal action.
Weed have thought he prefers the rusty sheriffs badges he saw on his last trip to town to the one Leon carries.

• RAFAEL Nadal put a Spaniard in the works for Roger Federer as his hopes of equalling Pete Sampras’ record of 14 Grand Slams disappeared in Melbourne after another epic five-set battle between the sport’s superstars in the Australian Open final.
The 7-5 3-6 7-6 (7-3) 3-6 6-2 win saw the world number one win his first final Down Under and leave the sobbing Swiss star in floods of tears.
Nadal has now won titles on all three surfaces and took his head-to-head lead to 13-6 against the Fed Express (5-2 in Grand Slams).
Nadal took a record-breaking five hrs 14 mins to get past Fernando Verdasco in his semi, and easily coped with a mere 4:23 in the final.
Just a walk in the park for Rafa, the talented twat (see below).

• TEEN SENSATION Rory McIlroy said he hopes to take his game to the next level after claiming a thrilling maiden professional victory at the Dubai Desert Classic.
The 19-year-old held his nerve to hole a three-footer for par at the last to finish one ahead of serial bridesmaid Justin Rose, who could have forced a play-off but missed a birdie putt at 18.
McIlroy’s six-shot lead at the start the final round had been whittled down to one by the time the Northern Irishman headed up the final fairway, but he kept his composure to secure the victory.
As with all young British sportsmen, his reaction could have gone one of two ways. He was either going to be shy, meek and mild or a bolshy brag artist – and he went down the Andy Murray route by saying he relishes the prospect of being called the new Tiger Woods.
Whether he enjoys that tag in 10 years time when he’s sat in a bar with a scotch, a broken career and Alex Higgins remains to be seen.


• A CLASSY combination between the brilliantly named Santonio Holmes and Ben Roethlisberger with 35 seconds remaining helped the Pittsburgh Steelers complete a dramatic 27-23 victory over the Arizona Cardinals to win Super Bowl XLIII in Tampa.
The Steelers won a game that featured 23 fourth-quarter points and two lead changes in the final 2:37 to claim an NFL-record sixth Super Bowl (right).
This broke the Cardinals’ hearts in their first Super Bowl appearance after they had fought back from 20-7 down in the final eight minutes with 16 consecutive points.
Expect Holmes and his team-mates to celebrate in customary NFL style with an armed robbery, drug deal, knife crime, arson, sexual assault or even a murder or two in the coming weeks.


WE RECKON a lot of you reading this will be around 22 years old and trying to enjoy what the Land Down Under has to offer on a budget which makes the purchase of extravagant items like a packet of Tim Tams a complete no-no.
Well, we don’t mean to bring you down as we’re sure certain aspects of your lives are very fulfilling, but by way of comparison a 22-year-old Spanish traveller who took in the sights of Melbourne last week has already amassed career earnings of $22,162,597.
He has earned this by virtue of being the best tennis player in the world since last August.
In contrast to an old tankard and your 25m swimming badge, his mantlepiece is adorned with four French Open trophies, having never lost a single match there, and one from Wimbledon and the Aussie Open.
He is one of only four men to have won Grand Slam titles on three different surfaces – alongside Andre Agassi, Mats Wilander and Jimmy Connors.
This is not to mention his Olympic gold medal.
While you scramble around charity shops for new threads, he has a deal with Nike that pays him tens of millions for the privilege of wearing their gear.
Rafael Nadal is successful.
Sorry, but you are not.


LAST week we brought a list of the funniest quotes by the dumbest collection of blonde bimbos and because we don’t believe in sexism (if you believe that we hope you enjoy your first read of BBM) we’ve compiled a list of foot-in-mouth moments from the only group of people to rival the stupidity of blonde celebs – sportsmen. Enjoy.
• I OWE a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father – Greg Norman (Australian golfer).
• SURE there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious – Alan Minter (boxer).
• IT took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon playing golf – Hank Aaron (baseball player).
• MY parents have been there for me, ever since I was about seven – David Beckham (English soccer player).
• IF you’d offered me a 69 at the start this morning, I’d have been all over you – Sam Torrance (golfer)
• THE course is as level as a billiard ball – John Francombe (j
• ENGLAND has the best fans in the world and Scotland’s fans are
second-to-none – Kevin Keegan (Footballer).
Jackie Milburn died today – Cliff Morgan (rugby union player).
• STRANGELY in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air even longer – David Acfield (footballer).
• WE’RE going to turn this team around 360 degrees – Jason Kidd (basketball player).
• I CAN’T really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to – basketball player Shaquille O’Neal when asked if he visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.
• I’D like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona – Mark Draper (footballer)
• WHEN you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1 – Lawrie McMenemy (football manager).
• IF history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again – Terry Venables (former England football manager).
• BATISTUTA gets most of his goals with the ball – Ian St John (footballer).
• WE actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized – Ian McNail (footballer).
• THE BEAUTY of club football is that Jack always has a chance of beating Goliath – Terry Butcher (footballer).
• WE didn’t underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought – Bobby Robson (football manager).
• YOU guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle – Bill Peterson (football coach at Florida State).
• YOU guys line up alphabetically by height – Bill Peterson.
• MY sister’s expecting a baby, but I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt – Chuck Nevitt (basketball player).